Craigslist
by Aelfay Sparrow
Summary: John's gone. Sherlock's bored. There's a laptop on the coffee table. And Sherlock finds a new hobby in replying to Craigslist personal ads. (Fem!Lock, in the same universe as A Small Change.)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

This is in the same universe as_ A Small Change_. If you haven't read ASC, that's fine. The only thing you really need to know is that Sherlock is female.

This is the silliest drabble I've ever written, but it was SO MUCH FUN. 10/10 stars, would recommend. I changed the locations/names just for the sake of those who wrote the original postings.

And lastly, for those who care about timelines, I imagine this taking place sometime after _The Blind Banker_ but before _The Great Game. _

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Sherlock paced. Ran her hand through her hair. Soft. Smelled like her shampoo. And sweat. Probably needed another wash. Long hair always seemed to.

Turn, pace. She thought about playing her cello, then discarded the idea. John was gone to work. With _Simon_. She rolled her eyes. Pedestrian name.

Turn, pace. John's laptop was on the coffee table. He never seemed to put it away, it was always just sitting there, battery out, plugged in. He'd been on it more, lately. Blogging, he said. She didn't really feel like blogging. She'd just posted a large treatise on tobacco ash.

All the same, the internet was larger than the flat. There must be something other than cat videos on it. She flopped down on the sofa and opened John's laptop, cracking the password easily after a couple of tries. BR0WN1NG501D13R was slightly better than his last one, she had to admit. At least he'd stuck numbers in it.

He had a website up. _Craigslist_. It looked like a newspaper adverts page. Dull. She looked at the page he had up - he'd been looking for miniature refridgerators - what did he need an extra fridge for? - and then clicked on the home page.

It brought her to a London-centric profile with plenty to choose from. Her eyes flicked to "Personals". That was always one of the most entertaining parts of a newspaper, so she decided to try it.

"Strictly Platonic" was her next choice, because some part of her instincts warned her that if she decided to click on the other parts of the personals section she was likely to get bombarded with pictures of genitals. And while she didn't generally mind pictures of genitals, she preferred only seeing them when they were useful to her, such as last week when the herpes on the victim had helped prove that the doctor was the murderer.

Clicking "MfW" and "WfW' made sense after that, two different tabs open.

The "WfW' page was mostly girls looking for shopping dates or someone to go to the club with. Dull. She closed it after opening a few tabs and glancing over them.

The "MfW" page was slightly more amusing, if for no other reason than the males on the site didn't seem to understand what 'strictly platonic' meant, since half of them seemed to be fishing for a girlfriend anyway. Still, she found one that caught her eye halfway down the page. Clicking on the email, she composed a reply, copying the man's ad and replying into it directly, in italics, because Mycroft hated italics, and would undoubtedly be reading this.

* * *

TO: d-dot-brown-dot-bioware-at-gmail-dot-com

FROM: s-dot-h-dot-deductions-at-gmail-dot-com

SUBJECT: Re: Craigslist

**Ask a man - m4w - 43 (43)** _Interesting. Father or older brother figure?_

I'm not a licensed therapist, doctor, or shrink, or millionaire. _Brilliant. They're boring. Always by the books. Well, most doctors, anyway._

Just a regular guy like the ones that walk past you every day. _Wrong. Regular guys don't post messages on Craigslist telling women they're willing to be a shoulder to cry on. What do you get out of the arrangement?_

I'm here via email if you need a man's point of view or advice on a situation in your life._ I have my John, so I don't necessarily need a man's point of view. Nor is anything wrong, so I don't need advice. I suppose I break the rules a bit. _No question too odd. _Brilliant! I need to know the amount at which black mold spores become harmful to human lungs. _

Anonymous, non-judgement, and respectful of your thoughts and feelings. _The complete opposite of myself, then. And Mycroft. Not dull, though. And I highly doubt you can be non-judgement, let alone non-judgemental, which I think is what you meant. No one can be entirely unbiased. Annoying, as it invalidates certain experiments. _

_~S.H._

* * *

The door clicked. John was home, then. Sherlock signed out of her account and closed Craigslist, shutting the laptop and closing her eyes. She filed this email under "Social Experiments" in the office of her Mind Palace, then opened her eyes as a delicious scent wafted towards her. John stood there with two trays.

"I got you curry."

* * *

Author's Note:

Edit: The section dividers didn't go in right the first time I posted this. My apologies. I'll double check the next chapters.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Craigslist Personal Ads are fascinating, if you don't mind sifting through the many ranking pervy and or creepy ones.

I like writing Buzzed!Sherlock. I mean... really. Come on. Who can resist? Also, are these drabbles worth continuing? And if they are, send me some good ads, cause I've got like two more and then I'm out.

* * *

Sherlock was buzzed. And bored. And being bored while buzzed was a bad idea.

She would have just gotten drunk, but someone had to make sure John got to bed, and after the first night he'd collapsed on the stairs, she knew John wasn't going to get himself to bed after any sort of drinking. So she'd enjoyed the wine he'd bought them and just allowed herself to get a pleasant buzz.

It wasn't her fault he'd broken up with Simon, after all, so while she would humour John's need to 'dull the pain', as he put it, she saw no need to join in with the sad parts. So a pleasant buzz.

Until she got John to bed, and found that the flat was now much more boring, and she was buzzed, and needed stimulation.

John's laptop was still on the coffee table. She'd saved it from a tipped glass of wine earlier, as John seemed to have a positive knack for destroying electronics while drunk.

She was going to need a new phone.

She plopped down on the sofa, drumming her fingers against the arm with pent-up energy, then started sifting through her Mind Palace, hoping to find an unfinished experiment that she may have 'forgotten' (she never really forgot anything. That's what a Mind Palace was _for_.)

There was an old file in "Social Experiments". She pulled it out. Oh, yes. The Craigslist email. She looked at John's laptop, then quickly made her decision for her evening, pulling it open and typing in the address.

Soon another email was being composed.

* * *

To: jeyeycikey-at-gmail-dot-com

From: s-dot-h-dot-deductions-at-gmail-dot-com

Subject: RE: Craigslist Let's Talk

**Out of towner looking for a text/chat friend - m4w - 31 (All London)** _Ha! An honest one. I like this already._

Hello, Im a nice easygoing teddy bear build black male living in Germany._ Hello. I'm an ex-drug-addict consulting detective beanpole build white woman stuck in London. _I know you might be thinking why Im posting here, but its no accident. _On the contrary, I have no idea what you're thinking about posting here. What accident? _

Honestly, I dont know too much about London, but I do know from what I've seen like the rain, city, Thames, and the gorgeous women...MY, MY, MY...LOL._ Rain was nice. Rained for three days straight. Wonderful experiments about the decomposition rates of certain flora in natural rainwater. The city is more boring than you'd expect. The Thames is decent until you get near and feel sticky from grime and mud gets all over you. I've been told I'm less "gorgeous" and more "interesting". And "pale". It's not my fault I have a lack of melanin. You're you're you're what?_

I was just hoping if I can have the pleasure of having a descent conversation with a nice female from here._ It's spelled "decent". And I'm not nice so I think I'm breaking the rules. The only one who thinks I'm nice is my John. And he's not even here right now. _

Anybody wanna talk? _Obviously. _We can chat, text, email or however you would like._ I prefer emails, but perhaps texts later if you're not dull. I despise dull. _

I also know its like 2:12 pm up there when its 8:12 pm my way, but its no problem Im a night owl and I just can't sleep tonight for some reason._ I never sleep. _

With that said, please feel free to hit me up._ Why would you invite people to punch you? Excepting cases, of course. _

Put" Let's talk"on the subject line when replying. _Done. _Its helps me to know whose real. _That's the most interesting thing you've said this entire paragraph. Feel free to indent when you have a new thought, by the way. Why do you care if it's a "real person"? After all, you're scrounging for friends on the internet. Lonely. Don't be like that, it's just a fact. Therefore, why do you care if it's a "real person"? If I were an advanced mechanical intelligence, would it disappoint you? You would receive the same amount of interaction. Would knowing the interaction was mechanical bother you? I don't see why as your brain is simply firing multiple electrical signals, and so would a technological intelligence. Odd. _

_~S.H._

* * *

Sherlock closed the laptop. This was interesting. She wondered if she could make an artificial intelligence and test this phenomenon on some of the officers at the Yard. Too bad John's computer was so slow. She'd have to go get her own.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

John finds out about Sherlock's new hobby. Also, Doctor!John impresses Sherlock with his knowledge of jellyfish.

* * *

John sat down on his sofa with a cup of tea, sighed, and pulled up his laptop with every intention of keeping up the blog his therapist encouraged him to write.

However, Sherlock's email was what caught his eye first, and he was - like a decent person - going to close it, when his eye caught the words _You're not in London. You're in Ohio. _

And resigning himself to being an unpardonable snoop, John decided to sneak a peek.

* * *

TO: jsokbldiongskbno-at-gmail-dot-com

FROM: s-dot-h-dot-deductions-at-gmail-dot-com

SUBJECT: Re: Craigslist

**Just Want to Talk Through Email - m4w - 44 (London) You're not in London. You're in Ohio.**

Typically, I am trapped here all the time and on the computer a lot but not by choice. _Fourty-four and not on the computer by choice. Work, then?_ I would rather be out in nature, preferably in another part of the country or world. _Outdoorsy._ _You'd get along with my John._

I hate it here in Ohio and there is nothing to do or see. _On the contrary. Had a case in Ohio. There's camp nearby that I quite enjoyed. The trailkeeper was the most inventive murderer I've ever had in the States. _So, I talk to some people on the web and sometimes by phone. _And what keeps you from talking to family or friends, I wonder. Probably a bit not good to ask that. _I wish I was in Florida, California or Hawaii._ Dull. Too many tourists. Makes reading people difficult when they aren't in their natural environment._

If someone wants to chat or has questions about animals or nature then I'm available. _My John would ask the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow. I'd rather ask what the proper treatment is for a man-o-war sting. Is it a poison or a shock? If poison, can it be harvested? Further research required. _

Though, maybe some lonely person just wants someone to talk to as well. _Not lonely. Bored._ I'm not the only bored to death person around here or in other parts of the country._ That's the first astute thing you've said in this whole paragraph. Speaking of which, you can indent when you come to a new thought topic. _Though, that is a common trait in this part of the country. _Once, again, untrue. I've met plenty of dull people in that area who aren't bored. Simply because their minds can be occupied with whatever new dull thing decides to enthrall them._

I wish I could get to somewhere to see nature and wildlife but that is a drive. _Capture some bugs. Preferably poisonous ones. Nature and wildlife. _Just going to a cave or waterfall area is not close. _Too many of them in Europe. Constantly having to turn down dull people when they want to take me to the same ones over and over again. And people are so unimaginative! No one's even tried to murder someone recently by pushing them off the edge of one. Boring._ Well, drop a note if you are bored._ That was, in fact, the goal of this whole operation, I suppose? _I always respond. _Ha! "Piss off" is the regular response I get. Oh well. You staved off the boredom for 15 minutes. Well done you. _

_~S.H_

* * *

John was laughing - nearly crying - when Sherlock came in. One look at her face made John burst into further laughter, which made her frown. "Are you looking at cats again?"

Wiping his eyes, John calmed himself. "Sherlock - you, you've been - aah, that was good. You've been answering Craigslist ads?"

Sherlock's frown deepened. "You told me not to wake you up until six o'clock. I needed something to do."

"Normal people, Sherlock, are allowed to sleep past six in the morning on a day off. Did he respond?"

"No," Sherlock said, throwing herself onto John's armchair in a sulk. "And he said he always responds. But then, he's a liar. He said he was in London in his header."

"You treat man-o-war stings with salt water, and then run warm water over it to denature the toxins. And it's poison. Which probably could be harvested, but I don't know as much about that."

Sherlock stared at John, who shrugged selfconciously. "Well, I am a doctor, it's my job to know these things." For a moment, Sherlock actually looked impressed.


End file.
